Friday, February 9, 2007

and the winner is...

09 Feb 07 Friday

the signboard. You know those signs outside of churches that have the quotes or sayings or whatever. As if somebody will read them and drive into the church and live a radical new life. I never understood the intent of them. And out here in the Bible Belt, they are EVERYWHERE. I have had many conversations with those signs. Its like a porthole for my sarcastic remarks. Maybe a release.

One that is currently on a sign that I pass every day is, "Where are you going to spend eternity? Smoking or non-smoking." How long does it take to get these quotes? Do they sell a book on them? My all time favorite is, "Stop, Drop and Roll won't work in hell!" I don't know why that is so funny to me.

Not only is changing a poopy diaper no fun. its no fun when you have one hand holding the legs in the air, and the other wiping the poo covered butt and then the wipe gets stuck on the sticky tape from the diaper. So you try to get it unstuck with your hand that has poop wipes in it. And being that I change diapers on the floor I try to use my foot to unstick it but then my sock covered foot ends up sticking to the tab and the kid is wiggling around like crazy and ends up smearing poo all over the clean surface of the diaper and I am starting to get frustrated which causes me to stop breathing through my mouth which then makes me take a HUGE whiff of the poo and I want to know if Calgon take me away really works.

Ashers goes to "school" two days a week. So on Monday I take him to school and its about 20 degrees outside. I think, I'll just leave Tobin in the car with it running so I don't have to take him out of the car. Plenty of other moms do it. But then I think someone might steal him so Ill lock and take my clicker with me so I can unlock it. So I get Asher all squared away and run back to the car only to find the clicker will not unlock the car. Oh dear Lord, no! So I try all the doors, try the clicker. Nada. I look through the window at Tobin and he's just happy as a pickle. And I had made Asher a DVD and that's playing so at least there is some entertainment. I call Jay and say we have a serious problem. He asks if he needs to come home, which is an hour away. I start to whimper because the realization of how stupid I am to have locked my son in the car hits me. I tell him to find somebody to unlock this thing. Except for the police or fireman. I didn't want to get arrested for child abuse.

So jay calls someone and they will be there in 20 minutes. Did I mention that is 20 degrees? Did I also mention how much I hate being cold? But I don't want to leave my son so I can get warm so I stay outside in the cold. Tobin soon falls asleep and suddenly I realize that the DVD player in the van is awfully loud. Then wait...what do i hear? Is that Barbara Walters and Rosie talking? What??!!! OH my gosh, when i taped Ashers program it had stopped before I got to it and recorded parts of the View. Is that not horrible torture? Now I really will get arrested. Needless to say, the guy came to unlock the door and didn't charge me. I felt horrible and relieved that my son didn't have a clue and slept most of the time.

don't judge me...haha

No comments: